Are we busy for a reason?

I was cleaning the house the other week, and I had heaps of other things to do. While doing these tasks, It dawned on me, we keep ourselves busy, not because we like it, but because silence and stillness feel odd to us, and this can also feel like we are wasting our time.
I find that on my free evenings, when I am alone, I constantly cling to the idea of having a structure or list of things to do. I chase and chase, one thing after another. I rarely take a moment to just stop and enjoy the present moment. Maybe this is how we have evolved to be productive in society, but this could be the reason why we are all so burnt out. I mean, have you ever felt, that you just seem to fill your time, all the time. I have a shared diary with my partner, and it's great, as we don't double book as much, as we use to, as its all on an app. But this leads both of us to fill our days, pretty fast.
Even when I just want to mediate, I seem to find things to do, that take me away from it. Even though I hold down a regular morning practice, this also can lead to feeling you have done enough for the day. When actually the more you do, the better you feel, or not, as we will explore a little more later on.

Have you ever just sat down, after a long day, or paused in the middle of a busy day, and found yourself gazing out the window, transfixed by the leaves of a tree blowing in the wind, and the sounds of the birds chirping away. Yeah, those moments are pretty great right. if like me, you are just fixed in a gaze of silence. Not thinking of what to do next, or dwelling on the past, you are just in the present moment appreciating the current tranquility, between getting caught up in the next task, that will move like a freight train.
Sometimes I feel that we desperately need this moment of silence, but instead of going out of our way to do it, it finds it's way into our lives, as if by chance. I had lot's of moments like this when I was in my late teens, and felt nothing of it. Then I stumbled upon meditation, and dabbled with it a bit, then after a few classes, I started to really throw myself at it. The stillness in the meditations was very similar, to what I found, when gazing out the window in my teens.
After a while, I found myself feeling confident enough, after having teachings and speaking with my Lama, to do a solo retreat. I would structure my day and spend lot's of time doing calm abiding meditation. What I found on these retreats was mostly pleasant and at times unpleasant.

Having started doing my first solo retreat, I came out feeling refreshed, and found my mind much, much calmer than before I went in. At this point, all that I was dealing with, was a sore bum, as I was sitting for longer duration's.
Then, after a while (say a few years of pleasant retreats), I started to get distractions, (small ones at first, then it would grow), that were not like my normal thoughts. These thoughts, I felt, were deep neuroses, that I had kept covered up for a long time, and had failed to deal with. But as unpleasant as they are, they are signs of things that I need to work on. At a point like this, its extremely important to consult your meditation teacher or Lama in my case. The reason for this, is they will have dealt with things like this, and will know, the correct way to handle it, and will be able to give good advice in how to handle such things. Don't try to tackle such things alone, as it could make the problem worse. Once you have the advice, then continue on as normal, following the advice given, but, this work is not a set back, far from it, the work you are embarking on is the deepest healing you could do. So don't get upset with yourself. You are weeding out all the bad things, that have hindered you, so really this is the most rewarding work.

So while retreats are about calming the mind, it's also a great platform for finding the deepest thorns stuck in our sides (mental thorns that is). And if we then see these thorns, it makes no sense to just ignore them, when we can remove them, and enjoy a much more full life.

Having looked at this topic, we see that we spend lots of time chasing things to do, to prevent boredom, or to seem like we are not wasting our limited time, doing nothing.

However, for me, I find it interesting, as we seem to chase after these tasks, to prevent us from being present, and why don't we want to be present? 

Well for me being present means, that my neurosis rise to the top, and I may well have to look at and dealt with them. This then begs the question, are we in fear of being present, because we don't like our neuroses therefore finding a way to cover it, by being busy, or has this busy lifestyle, over time, just crept in a distracted us from our neuroses, in a unintentional way. It's hard to really know the answer, but whats important is that we know, that this door can be opened, when we stop and calm the mind a bit.

My lucid dream teacher Charlie Morley, says "Where there is fear, there is wisdom to be found" and this fear we experience about our deepest neuroses, has the potential to unlock some deep inner healing..

Maybe the greatest gift we can give ourselves, is time to be still and quiet, offering us a gateway to inner healing, through dealing with whatever arises, and just bearing witness to it.
Maybe this is what they mean when they saying "know thyself", who knows!

Holding down a steady practice

The benefits of holding down a steady meditation practice.

Some of the benefits of meditation, are feeling relaxed and recharged, but I feel the most beneficial and powerful benefits come after prolonged regular or daily meditation practice. These benefits are not always evident, or visible straight away. From my own experience, over time, you will look back and see that you really have changed for the better. The changes are very subtle, and therefore are hard to see straight away.You may see, that you have become calmer, although you still get angry from time to time. You may also see your anger get less and less over the months and years.
You could find that you dwell on things a lot less, choosing instead to let things go more.
I found that my angry has reduced incrementally, but when I do get angry, i'm not a complete mess inside. Where before I use to feel like I was boiling up inside. Also I am better able to deal with stressful situations, by choosing not, to get caught up in negative thoughts or comments.
While I am listing these things, its good to point out, that we are all very different, and therefore meditation will effect us all differently. So why not keep a diary of how it goes, and how you feel you have changed?

So how do you hold down a steady meditation practice?

Find the right time. Find some time when you can be alone, and have as little disturbance as possible. For me, I like to wake up before my partner, in the morning, this way, i'm free to give her my undivided attention when she is up, and I will feel recharged without it disturbing our day together. Other people may find, doing meditation in the evening, before bed, very helpful in aiding sleep. It really is a very personal thing to you. But finding a time, you can stick to is very important.

Meditation spot. Meditation can be done almost anywhere, and at any time, once you have an understanding of it. But to start with, doing a seated meditation is best (a meditation with crossed legs on a cushion or seated in a chair is fine, if you have knee problems). The good thing about having a meditation spot, is that you can make it feel just right. Try to make it a calm environment by having it as clutter free as possible (clutter can subconsciously make the mind feel busier and very closed), and have things or smells that you associate with calmness. For me, I have a shrine with a statue of Lord Buddha, and other items, as it brings me a feeling of calmness just sitting in front of them.
The main point of this meditation spot, is to help you focus on the task at hand, and to make it as positive as possible. After a while you will look forward to your sessions, as I have come to.

How regularly will you meditate.
This one is a difficult one, as I stated before, we are all very different, so we will have different answers. I feel that a daily meditation practice, is really important, its great to start your day with a moment of calmness, leaving you relaxed and ready to tackle the days tasks. At the weekends I don't wake up till later on in the morning, as I know my lady likes to have a sleep in. So I get the best of both worlds.
Another reason for doing my practice daily, is that it's habit forming, and I know from experience doing it everyday helps keep the flow. I wont lie, I have had times, where I have slept in, but I have almost always found a way to do the my practice, later in the day, that's another reason why I like doing my practice in the morning. But by all means play around with this, till you find the prefect fit for you.

Set your meditation time. This can be as little or as long as you like, but try to start small and work your way up, as you may find you get agitated if you do too much to soon. 10 to 15 minutes to start with is the normal duration I have heard taught. Then when you feel you are ready, slowly increase your time.
You are aiming to develop a focus, and doing too much, can leave you exhausted, instead of refreshed. If you are unsure about this, it would be advisable to talk to an experienced meditation master or teacher. If there isn't one in your area, email a reputable meditation organisation for guidance. If required, I would be happy to point you in the right direction.

Stick at it, and don't give up. It's like the gym, you miss a day and you then decide to miss another, and before you know it, you don't do meditation anymore. I suffered with this on many occasions, but would jump back on the horse, after a few weeks or months. Now instead of doing that, I think of how blessed I am to have had teachings, from my Lama's and teachers, and try my hardest to make them proud, after all, they took the time to teach me, it seems only right I do them the honorable thing of practicing what they taught.
I understand that some of you may not have a teacher and are using an app, so find your motivation to practice, and write up a motivational paragraph, that you will read to stop you from avoiding your practice. Then make sure you keep it to hand, and read it when required.
My honest opinion is to stay the course, some days you may find you are all over the place, this is normal, all mediators go through rough patches, but overall the good outweighs the bad. We are habitual creatures, once we get into the groove of doing our practice, it gets easier, so be patient and be kind to yourself.

If you stick to these points, as I have, over time, i'm sure you will find that you make steady progress.
I was taught these points by my teachers over the last few years, and they have helped me immensely, so I am passing this on as a way to honer the preciousness of what they taught me.
I hope this helps you find a steady, stable and regular meditation practice.

Wish Fulfilling Jewel Teaches in London

It's the week before H.H 17th Karmapa's visit to London, the air was filled with exciting thoughts about the following weeks precious teachings and blessings.

Heavy clouds and rain decided to plague my week in Basingstoke. Nevertheless, it would take more than bad weather to shake me, and my excitement, regarding the chance to greet H.H 17th Karmapa, in his first, yes first, visit to London, England. 

His Holiness is the 17th in a long line, of Lineage holders of the Karma Kagyu Lineage of Tibetan Buddhism, and at the age of 14 he escaped Tibet, leaving his beloved Tsurphu Monastery, in the hope that he would be able to travel, and spread the Buddha's teachings around the world, something he wasn't able to do in China. So at 14 years old, the Karmapa made the treacherous journey, and arrived in India to find that his expectation to be able to travel were not what he had imagined, he would have to wait a long time before he could travel.

Now, fast forward 17 years, and finally he has the opportunity to set foot in the United Kingdom, a place he has wanted to travel to, for all those years, due to his predecessor, the 16th Gyalwang Karmapa's connection with Akong Rinpoche, Lama Yeshe Losal Rinpoche and Chime Rinpoche to mention but a few, who had settled in the UK to spread the Dharma to the west, and what a great job they have done. 

It's now 4 days before the teachings, and everything we had hoped for was confirmed, his holiness was granted all the permits to come to the UK. The visit was ON!!!!!! I think I speak for all us Dharma practitioners who attended here, when I say, we all jumped for joy at this point.

Soon enough, there were videos of H.H 17th Karmapa doing some fun stuff, like eating diner with all the different Sangha's and riding a boat up the Thames, seeing the sights of Parliament and Big Ben and the London Eye. Then in another video, we see His Holiness, driving the boat down the Thames. Yes that's Captain Karmapa to you now lol.

So it's 20th May 2017, and the big day as arrived, I'm up crazy early to ensure I get to London in time. I arrive at the venue to find huge queue's, but everyone is understanding and still super happy. People are talking to each other in the queue, doing what practitioners do best, networking and making new friends. 

Soon enough, I get through security and find my seat. I then go for a walk around the venue, to see whats things the shop has to offer. Before I get to the shop, I bump into friend, after friend, after friend. It was like walking into a family gathering, filled with precious friends and teachers. I saw so many Lama's and Rinpoche's, I couldn't possibly list them all. The venue had this great feeling about it, with stars on the ceiling and so many smiles, it was a truly warming and wonderful feeling.

After all the talking and catching up, everyone settled into their seats, waiting for that magical moment, where we would all see our precious teacher, Buddha in the flesh, in front of us, radiating loving kindness and compassion. All of a sudden, like a Mexican wave, the seats are empty with everyone standing, hands clasped together in a show of complete obedience. Then people's heads start to bow, and you could hear the gasps as people saw His Holiness walk past, on his way to the stage. 

His Holiness is introduced by Lama Yeshe Losal Rinpoche, after His Holiness is seated, on what can only be expressed, as the most amazing thrown seat I've ever seen. The stage looks incredible with a shrine and amazing super large thangkas of Lord Buddha.

Lama Yeshe gives his lovely speech and the teaching begins.

I have attached the links below of the teachings, as my notes are not great at the best of times, plus why read my write up, when you can watch the whole thing on video.

Day 1 - AM Session      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOWGFmt3DLc 

Day 1 - PM Session       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQno84k08lA

   

Day 2 - AM Session       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eI8KIrZSI8g

Day 2 - PM Session       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zn0TMVaTHM

At the very end of the teachings, His Holiness gave all who attended the Chenrezig Empowerment, and who better to give this than His Holiness. What an incredible way to end the weekend.

The teachings for me, were incredibly clear and concise, and that's hard to do in very few words, but His Holiness made it look effortless.

His holiness's gaze, was at times piercing, and you felt that those eyes could look through you and see the real Buddha within you. My dear friend Anton Smuts said it perfectly, in a short message to me, saying, "He's the Lion Buddha". Couldn't have worded it better myself. 

In the final speech from the organiser, she asked us all to give His Holiness a gift of 30 seconds of silence, offering our heart felt love for this visit. This for me was incredibly moving, and it felt like my heart melted in those short 30 seconds. It really was unshakeably silent, during this moment, making it even more moving.

It was all over, and now we had to packed our things and leave. It was sad saying goodbye to our friends and Sangha, some who had traveled great distance to be here for this ground breaking event.
Leaving the venue, I was alone and a real stillness fell over me, as I embarked on my journey home. 

While walking back to my house, I was struck by the magnitude of what had just happened, only a few hours ago. I had been in the presence of one of greatest Buddhist teachers there is, a living Buddha, and not only this, but I didn't have to travel in an airplane to see him, he came to us!.

We are all so incredibly fortunate to have this precious visit, from his holiness. There are many thousands of Tibetans still trapped in Tibet, who would give everything they own, to have an audience in the same room as this precious Buddha. Yet in some way, I along with many others, have the good fortune and the right karma required to have this blessing. I have never felt more thankful in my life. 

So i'm sat in my living room writing this, still feeling blessed by this dreamlike weekend, someone pinch me, did I really just sit in a room, with a wish fulfilling jewel?

I don't have time to meditate!

I hear the phrase "I don't have time to meditate!" an awful lot, when people talk to me about meditation.

Meditation for some people just isn't a priority. I mean we have a thousand different things going on in our life's, at any given moment, so its easy to see why we don't have time for meditation.
But maybe the problem isn't that we don't have time, maybe it's that we are too busy, and rarely take time out, to recover from this stressful life we lead.
We see that stress and anxiety, along with other states of mental health, are on the rise, due, I feel to the crazy life we lead, trying to see all our friends, spend time with our partner and the kids, while juggling a job at the same time. But something that we rarely do, is stop and make time for ourselves, not in a selfish way, but more in a way to help you, be a better you at all the other tasks you do.

Meditation helps you to relax at times of stress, letting go of the constant feeling of worry, but this isn't evident after doing a little meditation one or twice a week.
The thing with meditation is, that it's like taking your mind to the gym, the more you do, the better your mind will function. If you do the least you can, you will probably just maintain instead of making any noticeable improvements. That being said, a sitting of meditation, may make you feel relaxed at that time, but you might not see the full benefit till you do a regular meditation practice.
It's like learning anything new, the more you do, the more instinctual you become at it.
So for someone who is an experienced meditator, they may well be able to remain calm at extremely stressful times, enabling them to do things, not clouded by the stress that is surrounding them.

I think that with all the problems we experience, taking five to thirty minutes a day, maybe more if you decide, later down the line, will help you to better cope with the stresses of life.

For me, I started doing meditation when I suffered with a server bout of anxiety, it was crippling at the time, but my recovery was sped along by the meditation I learnt at a class in my local area.
My recovery from anxiety was swift, and through regular mediation, I've managed to kept it under control.

I do my meditation every morning, and it's become the most important thing I do, as soon as I rise.
The reason why it's great to do in the morning, is that you set yourself up for your day, relaxed and ready to take on anything, but also, it means that if I don't do it for any reason, I will have the opportunity to make time later in the day, if I can fit it in. But doing your meditation at a time to suit you is key, I just find the morning works well for me, as my partner is still asleep and once its done, its done, leaving me free for the rest of the day, to do whatever I have planned.

Like most things in life, we make things a priority, some more than others. Meditation for me is my top priority, as it helps me cope with all my other priories in a much more stress free and relaxed way. Now isn't that what we are all looking for?

If your reading this, and you are someone who has told yourself and others, you don't have time for meditation, but really want to give it a go, there are some great app's out there, lots of them are free to get you started. There will no doubt be meditation classes in your local area, that will get you started also and will be able to guide you, if you should have any questions or any problems.

Learning to meditate is one of the most effective tools to deal with stress and bring a state of calmness to a hectic and stressful world, so why not give it a go and find a calmer and more relaxed you!

    

Sexual Desire, Friend or Foe?

There are some subjects in the Buddhist environment that I feel rarely get looked at from a lay (non-monastic) prospective. The subjects that I have found difficult to understand, is how to deal with sexual desire. 

Buddhism has always been a great platform for asking questions and getting answers, as at almost every teaching I've ever been to, time is left at the end for questions and answers. But how many people have the courage to stand up and ask the question that really perplexes them, when it has the potential to be the most embarrassing question you could ask, especially to a Nun or a Monk. 

In my few years on the path, I have heard lots of questions and answers, but have never heard anyone ask this question. 

For me, most of the people who have taught me are monastics, meaning they have taken vows of celibacy, making it seem (at least to me) more difficult for them to understand the situation, when this may be far from the truth. 
For those of us who are trying to overcome sexual desire whilst being in a relationship, it can feel like opposing ideas and can cause a great deal of confusion.

I have always read, and heard that abstaining from sex would allow you to overcome the urges of the body and mind, speeding you along on the the Dharma path. But how do you cope with these desires and can they be overcome?

Here are a few different approaches to dealing with sexual desire;

In this approach you abstain from any kind of sexual action, for a set period of time (excluding sex with your partner, but only when they initiate it). This forces you to be strict with yourself and you soon notice desire creeping up on you, and it can be difficult, as it takes time to heighten your awareness to these desire. You treat these desires like you would a negative thought, by just letting them go when they arise in the mind. After a while this becomes easier as you start to see how the mind latches to sexual desire over the simplest things, often an image or small thought that we habitually feed. 
The pros for this method are a heightened awareness of desire, that allows you to (over time) control whether or not you wish to feed this desire, where as before you would feed it habitually and instinctively.
The cons are that this can possibly lead to you developing an aversion to sexual desire, and as you are in a relationship it will have a negative effect on your intimacy, if done for prolonged periods of time.    

Another approach would be, that sexual desire is natural and therefore we should just continue as we are, as we are not monastics. This approach is interesting as we go back to having no awareness of our desires and to a large extent allowing them to control us. This is how almost all the population deals with sexual desire, as It requires no focus or effort, and looks appealing as we get what we want, but it can have some dangerous effects. 
The pros for this are that you will have more desire and the opportunity to fulfill this, with or without your partner and feel enjoyment, for a limited time. 
The cons are that you could over time notice how much more you wish to engage with the desire on a physical level and this can become an unquenchable thirst, that can, if unchecked, lead to addictions to a number of things, not to mention putting a huge strain on your partner. Your partner may struggles to cope with this growing thirst, that at times seems to lack any kind of inclusion of his/her own wants and needs, as you go "deeper into this hole" of wanting to satisfy your own sexual desires at any cost. 

This last approach falls somewhere in the middle, and looks at the situation more evenly. You understand that sexual desire is natural and not a negative thing, but are aware that it needs to be kept in check. So you use your awareness of the desire to keep tabs on it.
Using this technique, you can choose when the time is right to feed the desire.
Often when you lose yourself in the act of union, it is due to the enjoyment you feel in seeing the other person enjoying themselves, and vis versa. It's rather strange as the desire you have seems to transform into a desire to satisfy the other person. This is then mirrored and you are both working to make each other happy, and I feel this where you get lost, you both feel like one as you are abandoning your own desires in place of the others, and there is a real power in that.

Seeing and hearing about nuns and monks abstaining, lead me to feel that I had to do the same in my own life, in order to follow the Buddhist path. But it really it made me think, and explore sexual desire to the extent that I landed at a middle way approach, that foster a sense of control and awareness, that doesn't blind me to everything else that's going on. 

While writing this post, I felt the need to ask someone who I respected as a long term lay practitioner, to comment on the questions I had been thinking about for a while, so I sent a question to Ken Holmes Author/Translator of the newly released; Ornament of Precious Liberation (Tibetan Classics) originally written in Tibetan by Gampopa. 

Question; 
In the monastic environment, sexual desire is tamed and seen as a way to develop as a practitioner. But as a lay person overcoming or dealing with sexual desire can be difficult, as to have a functioning relationship with a partner one needs this to connect on a physical level. How do or would you approach dealing with this?

Answer;
I think the answers to this are both complicated and simple. Sorry!

The simple answer is that a lay person is not required to do without sex but to live a sexual life that is moral and causes no harm to others. The moral guidelines are outlined in the well-known teachings on the 10 non-virtues and 10 virtues. There are two main points: first is not to cause suffering to another person. The second is to respect natural energies and live in harmony with them. There is nothing "wrong" with sex for lay people, if handled according to those guidelines.

The complex part is in the very nature of sex itself. To understand it, we need to have a LOT more real awareness of being embodied: we are a timeless mind "squatting" in this particular flesh and blood carcass, with all its hormones and chemistry. The choice is whether you want the chemistry to dominate you or you to dominate the chemistry. It is also interesting to become more mindful of what happens when making love / having sex. There is the need for affection and also the urge towards that letting-go of control and lucidity for the moment of "swoon" of orgasm. One learns a lot from observing the mind and feelings on the way towards getting frisky, foreplay etc. and after it is all over.

The monastic choice is to live without all the angst of sex and the yogi's journey (not for everyone, by far) is to sublime the sexual chemistry and biology into meditation knowledge.



Conclusion:
Sexual desire for lay practitioners isn't something we need to abandon, as I had initially felt. But this being said, we shouldn't allow it to go unchecked as there is a chance it may get the better of us. In today's society with the technology we have, getting access to sexual content has never been easier. This has lead to a rise in desire based addiction in our communities, as sexual content is now so readily available on laptops, tables and mobile phones. Also advertisement for men and women always appear to use sexual desire as a way to sell things, so we start to see a rise in desire from this too. So learning how, and when to feed your sexual desire has never been more important.

The process required to control, or understand the desire is, an awareness of our mind and body. As Ken states "We need awareness of being embodied".
By simply being conscious of our sexual desires, we will naturally be able to notice, and decide if it is appropriate to allow it to escalate. 
As time goes on, your awareness of the desire will become more acute, and you will find it easier and easier to handle. On the odd occasion you may find a surge in desire for some reason, this could be due to a chemical imbalance from food or something else, but do not let this take you off your stride, keep going and it will become more and more manageable as you start to make friends with your sexual desire.

I don't feel I have covered all aspects of this subject in this post, but I hope that by sharing my though's and feelings on this will help in some small way. This has been a subject of interest for me, and by writing this blog post has allowed me to contemplate it more. 

If you have any questions or thoughts you would like to share please contact me, my email is in the blog description.     

Why So Selfless?

Its easy to see that with all the problems going on in the world, that we should ensure that we look after number one and not give, give, give and end up being taken for a mug. I mean you hear these stories all the time about people being treated like doormats. So why would the Dharma path want us to look into and analyse selflessness?

I am not sitting here writing this claiming to be someone who has realised, let alone experienced emptiness (where you are able to see the true nature of reality and its interconnectedness). But i'm writing this from a point of view where, I feel it might not be a bad concept to consider after investigation. I'm also not a scholar, so if there are any flaws to what I have written, please let me know.
This I hope will allow you to explore the subject yourself. 
I would never expect someone to read my blog and think "yeah that sounds right", I would implore you to investigate if, what I have said is correct on a more deeper level. 
The Buddha never told people to believe what he said blindly, he always told them to investigate and check what he taught, like you would check gold to see if it was fake, before buying it.

So why be selfless? Well that's a good question, but lets start with, why is thinking about ourselves all the time such a bad thing?
Well upon analysis, when we think about ourselves only or mainly, we start to find more things wrong with what we want, I mean where else are you going to find problems when you only think of me, me, me. So when we want something and we don't get it, it makes us unhappy. This can be seen in almost anything, from not getting the food we want, down to people not doing what we want them to do. Its like playing a game and only you matter, when clearly this is not the case as there are other people playing the game too.

So the question is, do the others count? Well this then becomes a bit of a grey area for most people, as often we care more about people we are connected to in some way. So we could get a response of yes, BUT, only if I know them or they are friends or family. I understand this view, as its the way many of us have been brought up and why not. But the question then becomes, why are we thinking about these people and caring about them more?
Nine times out of ten its because these people add value to our life or we feel obliged in some way to care about them. So we have this clear structure in place and some of us may not have a big structure, others may have a very big structure and care for and know a lot of people.
So we are left with the remainder of society as people we do not know, don't care about or we have a neutral feeling about them.

When looking into this sense of self on one of my retreats, it dawned on me that this sense of self was like a big fence put up to protect me and the ones I love, but actually the feeling I had was that this fence was holding me captive and out there was the freedom I needed and I really didn't need to be protected. I just felt I needed to protect this sense of self and really what mattered was everyone equally (me included). 
There are some things I feel jump over the self fence from time to time, to make you realise that this cage of self that we live in isn't right.
For me it happens when I watch a great movie, as while I know what I am watching is fiction, I start to feel upset and want to help with all of my heart if the characters is suffering. I mean these characters are not my friends and I have no reason to care for them, but you really care instinctively. It's this kind of experience that I feel shows that our true nature is that of selflessness and compassion. There is no reason to feel this way about a fictional character, but it bursts through us, as you are absorbed by the experience. So maybe its not such a bad thing to be more selfless, maybe its a natural thing we are working against, and wow is it tiring.

What about giving to much and neglecting yourself? 
Well for me I feel that we take selflessness to literally. Not many people have realised or understood emptiness completely, so we are left with what we have. If we are all interconnected then we must look after everyone, and here is the kicker, this includes ourselves. I feel a large amount of problems arise from people giving to much to others while neglecting themselves. Therefore we should look to take care of others and ourselves to the best of our ability. This can often mean using skillful methods. For example; If someone you know keeps taking advantage of you, confront them and explain to them calmly and kindly that it feels that they are taking advantage of you. Express that you wouldn't do this to them and that they shouldn't do this to you. This will make the person think about what they are doing. This may be a habituated pattern that no one has ever told them about and they may welcome this as an opportunity to change. It may just upset them, but you have tried to help them while preventing yourself from being a victim. 
Being selfless doesn't mean helping people feel happy while re enforcing negative patterns in others and in turn being a doormat. 
I feel it's about making people happy, if you can help them, if you cannot help them, as it makes more people unhappy or another unhappy, then you cannot help them. You would in effect just be making a mess, helping them to make others miserable.
In Buddhism they say a bird needs two wings to fly, compassion and wisdom. Compassion alone can cause lots of problems. But when you use wisdom and compassion you are really looking at the whole picture and acting in a more well thought out and wise way. 

In the natural environment we see how clearly everything is in harmony with everything else most of the time and a certain amount of respect of this is evident. When some natural disaster happens to the environment, it does everything it can to bring everything back into equilibrium with everything else. It functions as a living breathing thing in many ways. Now the same can be said, I feel of us, when we spend our lives trying to solidify this sense of self or us and them, we are in fact driving a wedge between us and everyone else, that is bringing us out of harmony with everything. When what we all need to do is live in a more harmonious way with everyone to allow our natural flow to develop. This way if someone needs help, everyone helps the same way nature does to it's environment. Imagine that if everyone helped each other regardless of all the reasons not to, how life would change. As everyone would pitch in, the load would be much less to deal with and the love that people would do it with would make it even easier. No more helping people because it made us feel good, but instead because you know if you were in their shoes you would want someone to help you too. Seeing everyone and everything as part of a bigger picture, we would naturally want to help as everyone is in essence a part of us. There would be no reason not to, as we are all connected.

It would seem we overlook how much we are connected to everything and everyone around us, a lot, as we get caught up in our daily lives. People we do not know, harvest crops and food so we can eat. The environment provides us with oxygen, the trees and plants are connected to the earth, sun and air so without them they could not function, and as a result we could not exist. But also without us and all the other creatures, animals and mammals creating CO2 the plants and trees would not be able to live long ether. I know that we all know this information, but how often do we reflect on this woven tapestry of life?

When everything from the human cells, to this incredible universe seem able to live in harmony with its surroundings to a large degree, why can't we see that wanting to look after number one isn't going to and hasn't worked for a very long time. 
When we look after number one, we neglect everything else around us, from the environment to the people we live around, and with that we actually make ourselves more lonely, isolated and afraid by thinking of just ourselves. Why can't we flow with harmony and realise we are all connected. We need to love and nurture each other as a collective regardless of all the decisive reasons we create. 
Selflessness and compassion are at the heart of all major religions and maybe there is a very good reason for that, maybe, just maybe its the way for us to end all mental suffering forever. If that is true, maybe it is worth thinking about at least once in our lifetime.

Why Can't We Talk About Death

Where do you start with a topic as profound as death? Well here goes.

Most people think Buddhists are pretty morbid, as we talk about death and impermanence a lot.

As a Buddhist I have to agree, at least on the fact we talk and contemplate death and impermanence a lot. But studies have shown that Buddhists like Matthieu Ricard (Said to be the happiest man in the world) are indeed incredibly joyful and happy people. So why is it that they are so joyful and happy, if they think about death and impermanence a lot?

Well from my understanding, thinking about death is incredibly scary, but what happens when the fear settles is that it can shift your prospective and can make you see life in a completely different way. For me, I've always woken up and got on with my day, planning my day, week, month, year and even years ahead. But day after day I still wake up thinking that I will reach the end of my day and this although normal, really isn't intirely true. It's logical to plan I agree, but not once do we contemplate or feel, I could die today or my lover, mother, father or friends could die today.

When we contemplate death it makes us aware of how at any given second we can loose, not only our own life, but also the lives of the most precious people in our life too. 

Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water here, I'm not saying give up your jobs and spend life with the ones you love trying to protect them from any dangers, or become a full time meditator, monk, although if you wanted to do that, that's also fine. What I am saying is that if we get over the initial sadness of the thought, what is left is a feeling of "wow my family and friends won't be here forever, I should really spend more time with them and forgive them more for the small trivial things". But also when we realise we won't be around forever too, we start to forgive ourselves for mistakes more too. It affects everything.

Thinking about death and impermanence for just a few minutes a day can make life seem more precious and wonderful. Have you ever watched a sunset and been amazed at its majestic beauty and thought, I wonder how many of these I'll see in my life?

Life seems to us like it will go on forever, we very rarely give life a second thought. It's the most precious thing we have and it can be gone in an instant. 
To me It's incredibly interesting to observe that we plan everything out in our life down to the last detail. We plan seeing friends and going to places and yet we never give a thought of our own death when it's more certain than anything else.

My life was changed the day my Dad (who was the healthiest person I knew) was diagnosed with incurable cancer. I could see that he felt robbed of his life, having been so careful, not to smoking or drink and always having check ups with the doctor and eating well. He died within ten months and it shock me to my core. It forced me to see that a long life wasn't guaranteed. It made me question my life and led me to go on a quest to understand the nature of reality, but that's a story for another time. 

My father’s greatest gift wasn't that he left me some cool stuff or that he loved me dearly. His gift was showing me my own mortality and that gift is priceless, and for that I am eternally grateful.

The main point here is that seeing death up close, shock me into seeing that we all die and that we never know when it will happen. Who knows, we may argue with our loved ones and storm off and have a heart attack and die. Our dearest friend, we fell out with over some silly trivial thing may die and we will regret not trying to resolve our differences for the rest of our life.

Equally as important, is that we feel that we can put things off and off until later, thinking we can do what we want when we retire, and so on. Thinking about death can give us the kick you need, to do the things we have dreamed of, like traveling or a career change or something else we dream of doing. Overall I find a lot of positives for contemplating my own mortality.

I attend the Death & Dying day at Samye Dzong Buddhist Center in London every year, for a day of reflection on death and dying and it's not limited to Buddhists, there are all sorts of great people and things going on, from the Death Cafe's,Will writing talks, Funeral Planning down to Buddhist approach to death and dying.There are also exhibitions on certain aspects of death too, so its very interesting.

A friend of mine Charlie Morley, who happens to be an amazing Lucid Dreaming teacher and author on the subject, is often giving a talk (despite a very busy worldwide tour). One year I forget which one, he did an incredibly powerful meditation.

We listened to some calming music and he talked us through the meditation. He asked us to imagine we had been given a week to live. There was a pause, as we took this in and reflected on it. He then asked us to think of things we would like to do in that week, including connecting with long lost friends, forgiving family members etc. He then finished by saying that what we had thought of doing in the meditation, we should try do in the following week or weeks. It was an incredibly powerful experience for me and I'm sure many others. Heaps of people had tears in their eyes, including me.

Charlie then shared how profound it was for him when he first did that meditation.

It allowed him to find a good friend he grew up with who went to prison for murder. Charlie had lost contact with him as he couldn't come to terms with what his friend had done.

Having reflected doing this meditation, Charlie decided to track down and visit this old friend in prison, having searched and found him they reconnected after many years and Charlie said it was one of most amazing experiences of his life. How incredibly profound. 

This, I think this is another clear sign of how incredible reflecting on death and impermanence can change our lives.

When I talk to people about death, their reactions are often very similar, saying “its morbid and depressing”, but I wish I could show them the amazing production going on behind that dark curtain of fear, and that’s what has prompted me to do this post. 

Is Going On Retreat Selfish?

Recently I was asked by a dear friend, doesn't it seem selfish to go on retreat for long periods of time (not sure that was the exact wording, but it was along those lines). It really caught me off guard and made me really think about this.

My conclusion is that we all have a part of us that burns bright inside, an inner light shale we say. By going into retreat, it allows a person time to reflect on where this light comes from and helps us peal away and understand what obstructs this light. In my own personal experience it's my own selfishness and attachment that prevents my light from flowing like a wild river.
When I leave the retreat I feel that my light or love flows better, and I'm a better person to everyone around me and this echoes out as those around me. 

To me, understanding myself doesn't just help me, it helps everyone I come into contact with and that doesn't seem selfish to me, it feels the opposite.

It was a lovely question that really made me think about this topic deeply and has made me appreciate why I go on retreat more. So i'm thankful that I was asked this question.