Why Can't We Talk About Death

Where do you start with a topic as profound as death? Well here goes.

Most people think Buddhists are pretty morbid, as we talk about death and impermanence a lot.

As a Buddhist I have to agree, at least on the fact we talk and contemplate death and impermanence a lot. But studies have shown that Buddhists like Matthieu Ricard (Said to be the happiest man in the world) are indeed incredibly joyful and happy people. So why is it that they are so joyful and happy, if they think about death and impermanence a lot?

Well from my understanding, thinking about death is incredibly scary, but what happens when the fear settles is that it can shift your prospective and can make you see life in a completely different way. For me, I've always woken up and got on with my day, planning my day, week, month, year and even years ahead. But day after day I still wake up thinking that I will reach the end of my day and this although normal, really isn't intirely true. It's logical to plan I agree, but not once do we contemplate or feel, I could die today or my lover, mother, father or friends could die today.

When we contemplate death it makes us aware of how at any given second we can loose, not only our own life, but also the lives of the most precious people in our life too. 

Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water here, I'm not saying give up your jobs and spend life with the ones you love trying to protect them from any dangers, or become a full time meditator, monk, although if you wanted to do that, that's also fine. What I am saying is that if we get over the initial sadness of the thought, what is left is a feeling of "wow my family and friends won't be here forever, I should really spend more time with them and forgive them more for the small trivial things". But also when we realise we won't be around forever too, we start to forgive ourselves for mistakes more too. It affects everything.

Thinking about death and impermanence for just a few minutes a day can make life seem more precious and wonderful. Have you ever watched a sunset and been amazed at its majestic beauty and thought, I wonder how many of these I'll see in my life?

Life seems to us like it will go on forever, we very rarely give life a second thought. It's the most precious thing we have and it can be gone in an instant. 
To me It's incredibly interesting to observe that we plan everything out in our life down to the last detail. We plan seeing friends and going to places and yet we never give a thought of our own death when it's more certain than anything else.

My life was changed the day my Dad (who was the healthiest person I knew) was diagnosed with incurable cancer. I could see that he felt robbed of his life, having been so careful, not to smoking or drink and always having check ups with the doctor and eating well. He died within ten months and it shock me to my core. It forced me to see that a long life wasn't guaranteed. It made me question my life and led me to go on a quest to understand the nature of reality, but that's a story for another time. 

My father’s greatest gift wasn't that he left me some cool stuff or that he loved me dearly. His gift was showing me my own mortality and that gift is priceless, and for that I am eternally grateful.

The main point here is that seeing death up close, shock me into seeing that we all die and that we never know when it will happen. Who knows, we may argue with our loved ones and storm off and have a heart attack and die. Our dearest friend, we fell out with over some silly trivial thing may die and we will regret not trying to resolve our differences for the rest of our life.

Equally as important, is that we feel that we can put things off and off until later, thinking we can do what we want when we retire, and so on. Thinking about death can give us the kick you need, to do the things we have dreamed of, like traveling or a career change or something else we dream of doing. Overall I find a lot of positives for contemplating my own mortality.

I attend the Death & Dying day at Samye Dzong Buddhist Center in London every year, for a day of reflection on death and dying and it's not limited to Buddhists, there are all sorts of great people and things going on, from the Death Cafe's,Will writing talks, Funeral Planning down to Buddhist approach to death and dying.There are also exhibitions on certain aspects of death too, so its very interesting.

A friend of mine Charlie Morley, who happens to be an amazing Lucid Dreaming teacher and author on the subject, is often giving a talk (despite a very busy worldwide tour). One year I forget which one, he did an incredibly powerful meditation.

We listened to some calming music and he talked us through the meditation. He asked us to imagine we had been given a week to live. There was a pause, as we took this in and reflected on it. He then asked us to think of things we would like to do in that week, including connecting with long lost friends, forgiving family members etc. He then finished by saying that what we had thought of doing in the meditation, we should try do in the following week or weeks. It was an incredibly powerful experience for me and I'm sure many others. Heaps of people had tears in their eyes, including me.

Charlie then shared how profound it was for him when he first did that meditation.

It allowed him to find a good friend he grew up with who went to prison for murder. Charlie had lost contact with him as he couldn't come to terms with what his friend had done.

Having reflected doing this meditation, Charlie decided to track down and visit this old friend in prison, having searched and found him they reconnected after many years and Charlie said it was one of most amazing experiences of his life. How incredibly profound. 

This, I think this is another clear sign of how incredible reflecting on death and impermanence can change our lives.

When I talk to people about death, their reactions are often very similar, saying “its morbid and depressing”, but I wish I could show them the amazing production going on behind that dark curtain of fear, and that’s what has prompted me to do this post. 

Is Going On Retreat Selfish?

Recently I was asked by a dear friend, doesn't it seem selfish to go on retreat for long periods of time (not sure that was the exact wording, but it was along those lines). It really caught me off guard and made me really think about this.

My conclusion is that we all have a part of us that burns bright inside, an inner light shale we say. By going into retreat, it allows a person time to reflect on where this light comes from and helps us peal away and understand what obstructs this light. In my own personal experience it's my own selfishness and attachment that prevents my light from flowing like a wild river.
When I leave the retreat I feel that my light or love flows better, and I'm a better person to everyone around me and this echoes out as those around me. 

To me, understanding myself doesn't just help me, it helps everyone I come into contact with and that doesn't seem selfish to me, it feels the opposite.

It was a lovely question that really made me think about this topic deeply and has made me appreciate why I go on retreat more. So i'm thankful that I was asked this question.

The Power of Prospective‏

How many times have you been in really annoying positions and felt angry or just plain frustrated?

I have felt this way, many times and it can make or break your day.

Why should we allow what we think is an external event to ruin our day. The first thing we should understand is that what is happening is not really external, its internal. This may seem strange but through habitual patterns we are allowing ourselves to get annoyed or angry. Our prospective of a situation is the main reason we get angry. 

 

I will share with you an example of how to relieve stressful situations that can be applied in a number of different ways.

 

I was travelling around Sri Lanka, on a public bus that was not only very hot but very packed. My partner and I were very tired and carrying our backpacks on our way to the next hotel. After a while people would push and shove and my frustration and anger began to grow and grow.

I got in such a state of rage that I was about to just shout angrily at the people around me.

But something strange happened. At that very moment it dawned on me, that we were all experiencing this frustrating moment together and that I could chose to be happy or angry. I tried to find something to change my mood. I noticed that the bus was playing music and I just decided to dance. It was a little forced to start with, but everyone around me began to smile and this made me happy and everything changed. This bus ride went from horrid to fun and when the bus stopped next, some people sitting down, offered us their seat and we happily accepted. This example can show that no matter how mad the situation is you can always change how you see it and make it more fun!

You can change the way you look at things, in order to reduce stress and anger, why not give it a try you might surprise yourself.

How Meditation & Awarness Can Help Roller Derby

When playing roller derby lots of people have to deal with a number of emotions, ether before and during the bout. These exaggerated emotions such as anxiety, stress and anger can cause you to lose focus and not play to the best of your ability. While all emotions are 100% normal, staying focused and calm is key to getting the most out of yourself, as when in states of anger during a game, you are wound up in that anger and you will lose sight of the real goal of working as a team. Being focused, calm and assertive you will be able to calculating every move and minimise mistakes.

Meditation & Awareness is very simple and can be adapted to help you in any situation. I will explain how these can be used before and during a game below:

Before the game: You wake up and its game day and you start to feel anxious about the coming game as its important to you, you feel a little sick and struggle to eat. When feeling this way its important to know this is really normal and most people suffer with this. There is a simple way to relax yourself and this would be to do a breathing meditation or listening meditation to calm yourself. I have covered these meditations in previous blog posts (My first meditation & Listening meditation in the August section) if you wish to see how to do these. These meditations will allow you to relax. If you learn to do this regularly or even if you only do this on game day you will see some benefit, even if it calms you only to allow you to eat well, as this will allow you to have a good solid meal that will keep you alert during the game.

During the game: How often have you been upset angry or just frustrated during a game? I'm sure you are all very passionate about the sport and these kind of emotions are common for any sports player. But how can you calm yourself and stay focused during a game situation? This is where awareness comes in really helpful. When you notice during a game that you are feeling upset, angry or frustrated learn to do an awareness based exercise that takes only a few seconds or minutes. There are any number of ways to do this, but, I will explain one and you can take it and run with it. Trial this technique if you so desire and if it does not help then please don't use it. Simply stare at the floor and bring your focus to your deep breaths and the sensation it is having on your body, just count each circular breath (breathing in, then out being one circular breath). Try not to focus on anything els and this will prevent you running with the anger or frustration. You will notice that this should calm you and allow you to stay focused on the game. These techniques may not work straight away but you should see some level of calmness from the start. The more you do this the better it will get and I'm sure it will improve your game. As I said earlier there are lots of ways to use this awareness technique. Chose any focus object that you can find if the breath isn't helping you. I am using the breath as an example as its easy to find as we all breath.

I hope that this will help all you derby players out there, happy skating.

 

Transforming Greed, Anger and Ignorance

The Buddha taught that there were three poisons in life, however, he did not feel they should be destroyed but merely transformed, to allow us to be more positive people. By transforming these three poisons we can be more positive and rid ourselves of those negative emotions that cause us to feel down, alone and generally unhappy with our lives. Below I will explain how to transform each of these poisons into something positive.

Greed: Greed can ensure that we only look out for ourselves and keep everything to ourselves, even when we can see others in need more than ourselves. The Buddha taught that greed should be transformed into its opposite, generosity. By being generous to others in their hour of need, not only makes the person receiving feel happier, it also make the giver feel happy knowing that they have helped another person become happier. It can be said that by giving to others can be infectious and I feel that this can be the case, as the joy that is felt, knowing you are helping others is very enjoyable. One must also approach generosity with wisdom also, but this will be explained later.

Anger: Anger is caused by a feeling of not getting what we want or not being in control. The Buddha taught that anger should be transformed into compassion. When we get angry at people for doing certain things we are doing this based on assumptions that this person is doing this to us and wants us to be unhappy. But when we look at the situation from a compassionate angle we can see it from a much more positive way. For example; You are walking down the street and some person tries to snatch your bag or steal your wallet. At first we are in fear of losing our items and often our life and this fear changes to anger very quickly. However, when we look deeper this person may be doing this for a number of reasons, and they are trying to make themselves happy also. If we could really see why people did things, we would see that they too are only trying to be happy. Compassion allows us to try and understand things from other peoples prospectives (this does not mean that we condone the actions taken). Often we only see how things affect us and this can cause negative emissions that only suffice to make us feel unhappy and often cause horrible physical symptoms.
Compassion can offer us a way out from anger and its negative affects.

Ignorance: Ignorance is something that can be destructive not only to ourselves but to other people too. The Buddha taught that ignorance should be transformed into wisdom. Here is an example; We see a homeless man on the street and feel that we may seem tight or stingy so we give the homeless guy some money. This may seem like a good idea, but when we look deeper we see that by giving the man money we are trying to make our selves feel better about ourselves. The reason this is ignorance is that we are not looking at the root of the problem, but merely treating a small symptom by giving this person money. Upon deeper reflection by giving this person money you are allowing them to feed their addiction (I understand that not all homeless people have addictions, but to assume all don't have addictions is more destructive to those who do). So the wiser thing to do would be to help him by giving him some food or drink or giving money to a homeless shelter in the area that will allow homeless people to have a place to sleep and a meal to warm them. This can be applied to many situations by reflecting on what outcomes our actions will really have. Acting without thinking about the outcome is ignorant. Acting after thinking about the outcome is wisdom.

By just making small changes to how we do things or treat people can make a big difference to other peoples lives and in turn your life too. So turn these poisons around and see the benefits in the lives of all sentient beings.

    

Meditation Posture

Today we will take an in depth look at the meditation posture, to ensure that we are sitting correctly.
Posture is as important to a meditator as the meditation itself, as how you sit can make the difference between alertness or drowsiness. Below I have broken down the posture to allow a step by step guide to your posture, this is known as the 7 point meditation posture.

Legs: When starting to sit, our legs are the first thing that we use. To start with sit cross legged with one foot placed just below the other legs knee, or further up the thigh, this is called the half lotus position. This will allow you to reduce the pain and cramps that would accrue if you were just sitting cross legged. Later on when you become more nimble you can try the full lotus position, but trying to do this straight away, can cause muscle injuries that take a long time to heal. Also to make your sitting more comfortable it is worth having a cushion, this also allow you to keep a straight back that is key to posture. If you are unable to sit with crossed legs, then it is perfectly OK to do this while sitting in a chair just ensure that your feet are able to touch the floor and that they are not crossed. Its best to keep them hip width apart with your feet pointing forward.

Arms: The arms need to be relaxed, you can rest them in your lap just below the naval with your left hand cupping the right with your palms up. Alternatively you can rest your hands on your knees with palms facing up again. These positions are to allow the arms to relax and not give you any discomfort.

Back: The back is the key thing to have correctly positioned as this will give you good energy flow and will keep you sharp and alert. It is best to sit on a cushion to allow your back to sit more comfortably upright, like a stack of coins. It may be uncomfortable to start with but after a few sitings it should start to become more comfortable. By having your back straight and relaxed it will allow for longer periods of mediation and greater feelings of calm.

Eyes: It is down to preference whether you keep your eyes open slightly or close them during meditation. It is said that closing the eyes gives you greater concentration, however can lead to drowsiness and even falling asleep during mediation, while keeping your eyes open will allow a little light in that keeps you sharp and alert during your meditation. In my own opinion I like to have my eyes slightly open as this keeps me alert and sharp. I will leave it to you to decide what you wish to do.

Jaw: Your jaw needs to be relaxed with your teeth slightly apart. The mouth should be closed but not clasped tightly. The key is to relax.

Tongue: This may sound silly, but by placing the tongue on the roof of the mouth, just above the top row of teeth will allow you to reduce the amount of saliva, this will help you lengthen your sittings.

Head: To allow the head to rest comfortably on your spine you draw the head back, like you would to create a double chin and comfortably hold it. keep your gaze at a 45 degree angle and relax your gaze. If you feel drowsy or heavy looking down you can raise your gaze a little higher and this can combat this giving more alertness and sharpness if required.
   
These key points should be checked regularly when first starting your meditation till you naturally fall into your posture. After a while of doing your sittings in the 7 point posture you will feel so at home and relaxed it will be something you will want to go back to time and time again.
When you start to lengthen these sittings you will start to feel the same discomfort as you had when starting meditation, this again is normal and will subside when your sitting lengths become more stable. Once while on a meditation retreat, we had to sit in a meditation posture for longer lengths than I was use to and after the 3rd day I had become settle in the lengthy sittings so give it time and things will improve.

If at any time during your mediation posture you feel very sharp pains or discomfort it is advisable to see your doctor to discuss this and it may be worth speaking to someone who is an experienced meditator as they may have solutions that may help alleviate the pain.

Biggest Myth About Meditation

The below information is my interpretation of a teaching I attended, with Gelong Thubten at Kagyu Samye Dzong London.

Lots of people who meditate, do it in such a way that it gives them greater stress, this is because they do not know how to do it properly. This is because those who have meditated, some for many years think that during meditation you are suppose to stop thinking or clear the mind and this is extremely harmful. The reason this is so harmful is that when you meditate and you try to clear the mind or stop thinking, you end up more stressed. This is extremely destructive, as you end up resisting your thoughts while trying to clear the mind and this only causes more thoughts to arise. Its like trying to stop very fast flowing traffic, it will only cause you to have a pile up.
Meditation is not about having an empty mind, this would be like taking a strong anaesthetic.
This kind of attitude towards meditation can make you stressed, as you feel that the thoughts are the enemy and you are trying to stop it, like a gunman in a watch tower shooting down the enemy.

Lets look at this in a more creative way, there is fast moving traffic (your thoughts) and you are by the side of the road and you notice this traffic at first. Sometimes there are taxis (a thought you get into) and you get in and you get taken all over the place to a number of destinations (different thoughts) and you are spat out somewhere els with no idea where you are and where you have been. Its like when you think about something that leads to another thought and before we know it, we are wondering what happened.
So our job is then to stop getting into or flagging down the taxis, so we slowly with more awareness try not to get into a thought. So after a while with you getting into less taxis they will realise there is no business and they will reduce their frequency. This is a much more productive way to see our thoughts, as we are not trying to stop them, we are simply letting them go by. This way they will naturally settle and subside, not because we have forced them, but because we are not interested, so they stop bothering us. It is very crucial to understand this difference.
Thoughts are not suppose to be stopped, we are suppose to just let them go.

Meditation is not about stopping the thoughts, it is about being at peace with it.

I found this extremely useful as many people say that meditation does not help them and I feel it is because people believe the myth as stated above. Meditation when done correctly can be a really wonderful thing that helps you deal with your stress.