My Journey and Fascination with Death

In February 2017, I did a blog post called "Why Cant We Talk About Death" and in it I discussed death and how we can use it to make our lives fuller. In that post, I stated I would go into my own story about how death became my friend, another time. I now feel, given the current state of lockdown, that the time to share my story is now, so here goes.

My life was changed the day my Dad (who was the healthiest person I knew) was diagnosed with mesothelioma cancer of the lung. The doctors gave him ten months to a year to live, I could see that he felt robbed of his life, having been so careful, not to smoking or drink, always having check ups with the doctor and eating well. 
I remember two things distinctly changing in my father following his diagnosis. 
The first thing was that he seemed like his joyful light went out, he tried to be funny and joyful, but I could see that he was just acting, no matter how much I played along with it. 
The second thing was that I could feel that he felt robbed and it came to a head on the couch, in his living room one afternoon. As he stared out the living room window he said "I'm never gonna drive again, am I?". I'm guessing that the truth of his mortality came crashing down around him and as he loved to drive and found freedom in being able to go anywhere at any time. Me and my Mother sat there and burst into tears and said no, no you won't. Seeing the person you love, fall apart in front of your very eyes is something I wouldn't wish on any human being and that moment will stay etched in my memory forever.

Baby me, with my Sister and Father

My Father a year or so before he was diagnosed with cancer.

Looking back at this moment, many years on, I see, how at that very moment he realised he was going to die, and this moment comes at different times for us all. 
He died within ten months, in a hospice in September of 2008 and it shock me to my core. It forced me to see that a long life wasn't guaranteed in any way.

In the same year my father was diagnosed with cancer, my partner went to university an hour and half drive away and I was having issues with anxiety but I found myself reading some books on Tibet and Buddhism. At this time I was getting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help with my anxiety, I also started doing Buddhist mediation classes in town and found that my recovery from anxiety was greatly assisted by this. My therapist even asked me if I was doing anything outside of the therapy and when I told her I was doing mediation, she said "It must be working well, as it is helping your recovery". Within a year of my CBT coming to an end, the NHS was trialing mindfulness (another word for mediation) to help with anxiety and depression and is now used extensively throughout the NHS, how times change. 
I then started to do meditation at home, as well as at the classes and found myself getting really into it. I found that I had the free time to dive deep into myself given that my partner wasn't around much. I would in these times find some deep insights into death, but also calming and relaxing experiences that helped me greatly during the times ahead with my father and his death. During the time I was getting meditation advise from a Buddhist organisation (that I would rather not mention here), I decided to step away from them and continue my mediation alone for a while, until I came across an organisation, that I felt, would serve me better. What I learnt from them was really valuable, but ultimately their views did not align with mine and we parted ways. 
  
After my father passed away, I started to save up my money, so myself and my partner could go traveling around the world. Soon enough, my partner would finish university. I had developed a daily mediation habit and started reading many books on Buddhism and the book that really comforted me, after my father passed away was The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. This book looked at the Tibetan view of life and death which offered me real comfort at the time. Sogyal Rinpoche was a figure of controversy and at the time of reading the book I wasn't aware of this. While the book is a great insight, I in no way condone his actions.

In what seemed like no time at all my partner and I had saved up enough money to go traveling around the world and we had some great experiences, I won't bore you with the details here. Keeping up my daily mediation habit proved very difficult while moving around lots, so my practise at this time was almost non existent. In Nepal however my partner and I did a Yoga and Buddhist Philosophy weekend retreat and I found it to be excellent, as it gave me a chance to ask the questions I had developed over the years, that I wasn't able to get answers to. When the retreat finished I had a one to one with the Monk, who was leading the retreat and asked him "what should I do if I wanted to start officially on the Buddhist path?", he stated that at the end of my mediation when you dedicate the merit, you should offer it to all sentient beings and ask for your beginning to be revealed. This turned out to be the great advice. 

Photo with the Monk and other participants of the Buddhist Philosophy & Yoga Retreat 2012

Friends made on the retreat 2012

Poon Hill part of ABC Trek in Nepal 2012

Upon returning home, I got back into my usual mediation groove and did as the Monk said, and after six months, maybe longer, I found myself taking refuge with Lama Yeshe Losal Rinpoche at the Samye Dzong Buddhist Centre in London run, by Lama Zangmo. It took me some months to make sure that I was happy with my choice and things happened that made it obvious that this was where I needed to start my journey. One of the reasons was that both Lama Yeshe Losal Rinpoche and Lama Zangmo my teachers, have very amazing qualities and if I could be just 10% like them in this lifetime, I would die a very happy man. 

Right; Chorje Lama Yeshe Losal Rinpoche Left; Lama Zangmo

Having taken refuge and become a Buddhist, my training began and the second of the Four Thoughts (foundation texts in our lineage) was Death & Impermanence (the first being Precious Human Life) the texts state that all composite things are impermanent and subject to change including death. But what was interesting was, that the texts say, what causes our suffering is our clinging to the idea that things do not change. This took me back to the moment on the couch with my Dad. What crumbled before him was his fixed view that things do not change and that, as I feel we all do, he though that he would live forever deep down, even though he knew intellectually that he wouldn't. It's a strange thing, I mean, when was the last time you though, wow this is an amazing moment and I love it because It won't last forever? Probably never or very rarely. We live our lives in a bubble of immortality thinking that tomorrow will come and that death will somehow not come knocking on our door! Life soon teaches us, that this is not the case. Like me, you may have lost someone close to you and had this feeling of wow, I could die, that leads to you appreciating everything and finding value in the small things. The thing is, we don't necessarily need a person to die, to have a good grasp of death. By reflecting on death regularly (once a day) we can bring focus to the parts of our lives that really matter and we can use this to become more happy, more forgiving and live a full life. We put off so much in our lives thinking we will do this later, well what if there wasn't a later?, what if, you put it off till you're laying there on your death bed, filled with regret. 
Thinking about death is the key to a fuller brighter life and that's why I love it so much. People think its drab and morbid, but it really offers up so much more! 
As the months and years went on studying the other texts, which I enjoy a lot, I kept coming back to death and impermanence with an almost childlike fascination that remains to this day.

The Samye Dzong Buddhist Centre has a core group of people called the Bardo group. In this group they help Buddhists who are very ill, or dying or have died. They do home visits and help out where possible and if and when the person dies they attend the funeral to do prayers for them. They are a wonderful group of people.
This group host an Embrace Death & Dying day every year at the centre and it has become the highlight of my year. They have wonderful speakers, looking at Wills and Probate, the physical things that happen when you die, Buddhist approach to death and dying, hospice care giving, lucid living and lucid dying, ethical funeral services and many other great subjects and speakers.
Later on, I would ask to join the Bardo group thinking I wouldn't be accepted, but I was accepted and pleasantly shocked. I have attended one funeral and done some prayers for a friend of mine, that was a great privilege along side helping out in a small way with the annual Embracing Death & Dying Day event. 
As my journey moves forward, learning the teachings and doing my best to integrate them into my life, I know that death and dying still plays a very big role in my life, but in what capacity I am yet to find out.

I am so keen to ensure that when I die, that all is in hand, that I have a death pack with all the information that my loved ones would need in it, to help reduce decision making and other stressful things. 
I'm looking to add to my pack, a section that looks at the hard questions, that don't get discussed, as we are so afraid of the D word. These questions relate to what happens if i'm in a coma, such as, do you turn off the life support machines and other difficult questions. 
I am seeking help from professionals regarding these questions, as they know best. 
I think given the current world lockdown that these questions need discussing and for me personally, it's best if I just have an envelope that has these questions and answers ready with my trusted loved ones incase this happens to me. The pack I have gets reviewed and re-issued annually.

My most recent step, has been to book onto the foundation course to become a Death Doula with Living Well, Dying Well. A Death Doula, is someone who helps you make the transition through the great unknown of dying. In the same way that a Birth Doula helps new and expectant Mothers deliver their child into the world. It's a relatively new thing and i'm not sure if I will become a Death Doula, but i'm keen to develop my understanding of death on my way through this life. Who knows where this may lead me!
       
This blog post is dedicated to my dear Father, who gave me the greatest gift, the gift of showing me my mortality! Thanks Dad.