Are we busy for a reason?

I was cleaning the house the other week, and I had heaps of other things to do. While doing these tasks, It dawned on me, we keep ourselves busy, not because we like it, but because silence and stillness feel odd to us, and this can also feel like we are wasting our time.
I find that on my free evenings, when I am alone, I constantly cling to the idea of having a structure or list of things to do. I chase and chase, one thing after another. I rarely take a moment to just stop and enjoy the present moment. Maybe this is how we have evolved to be productive in society, but this could be the reason why we are all so burnt out. I mean, have you ever felt, that you just seem to fill your time, all the time. I have a shared diary with my partner, and it's great, as we don't double book as much, as we use to, as its all on an app. But this leads both of us to fill our days, pretty fast.
Even when I just want to mediate, I seem to find things to do, that take me away from it. Even though I hold down a regular morning practice, this also can lead to feeling you have done enough for the day. When actually the more you do, the better you feel, or not, as we will explore a little more later on.

Have you ever just sat down, after a long day, or paused in the middle of a busy day, and found yourself gazing out the window, transfixed by the leaves of a tree blowing in the wind, and the sounds of the birds chirping away. Yeah, those moments are pretty great right. if like me, you are just fixed in a gaze of silence. Not thinking of what to do next, or dwelling on the past, you are just in the present moment appreciating the current tranquility, between getting caught up in the next task, that will move like a freight train.
Sometimes I feel that we desperately need this moment of silence, but instead of going out of our way to do it, it finds it's way into our lives, as if by chance. I had lot's of moments like this when I was in my late teens, and felt nothing of it. Then I stumbled upon meditation, and dabbled with it a bit, then after a few classes, I started to really throw myself at it. The stillness in the meditations was very similar, to what I found, when gazing out the window in my teens.
After a while, I found myself feeling confident enough, after having teachings and speaking with my Lama, to do a solo retreat. I would structure my day and spend lot's of time doing calm abiding meditation. What I found on these retreats was mostly pleasant and at times unpleasant.

Having started doing my first solo retreat, I came out feeling refreshed, and found my mind much, much calmer than before I went in. At this point, all that I was dealing with, was a sore bum, as I was sitting for longer duration's.
Then, after a while (say a few years of pleasant retreats), I started to get distractions, (small ones at first, then it would grow), that were not like my normal thoughts. These thoughts, I felt, were deep neuroses, that I had kept covered up for a long time, and had failed to deal with. But as unpleasant as they are, they are signs of things that I need to work on. At a point like this, its extremely important to consult your meditation teacher or Lama in my case. The reason for this, is they will have dealt with things like this, and will know, the correct way to handle it, and will be able to give good advice in how to handle such things. Don't try to tackle such things alone, as it could make the problem worse. Once you have the advice, then continue on as normal, following the advice given, but, this work is not a set back, far from it, the work you are embarking on is the deepest healing you could do. So don't get upset with yourself. You are weeding out all the bad things, that have hindered you, so really this is the most rewarding work.

So while retreats are about calming the mind, it's also a great platform for finding the deepest thorns stuck in our sides (mental thorns that is). And if we then see these thorns, it makes no sense to just ignore them, when we can remove them, and enjoy a much more full life.

Having looked at this topic, we see that we spend lots of time chasing things to do, to prevent boredom, or to seem like we are not wasting our limited time, doing nothing.

However, for me, I find it interesting, as we seem to chase after these tasks, to prevent us from being present, and why don't we want to be present? 

Well for me being present means, that my neurosis rise to the top, and I may well have to look at and dealt with them. This then begs the question, are we in fear of being present, because we don't like our neuroses therefore finding a way to cover it, by being busy, or has this busy lifestyle, over time, just crept in a distracted us from our neuroses, in a unintentional way. It's hard to really know the answer, but whats important is that we know, that this door can be opened, when we stop and calm the mind a bit.

My lucid dream teacher Charlie Morley, says "Where there is fear, there is wisdom to be found" and this fear we experience about our deepest neuroses, has the potential to unlock some deep inner healing..

Maybe the greatest gift we can give ourselves, is time to be still and quiet, offering us a gateway to inner healing, through dealing with whatever arises, and just bearing witness to it.
Maybe this is what they mean when they saying "know thyself", who knows!